So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
