This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
