Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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