He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
