my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
