I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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