she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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