I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
