I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.