Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat