i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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