If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
