She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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