Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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