I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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