I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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