There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
