I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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