I hope mine doesn't look like that
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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