you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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