Tell her she can't have a vagina
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
