come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
