We're like a lot better than the average bears
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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