life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
