I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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