Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
