So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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