I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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