the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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