Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
