awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
