The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
