FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
