im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
