Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
