good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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