Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
