I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
