Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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