dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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