Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
