i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
