I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
