My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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