when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We talked him into tasing himself.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
