Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
