I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
