Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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