I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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