stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
