Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
