you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
