Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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