I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
