Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He better not be in your backpack
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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