i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
