she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
