I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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