If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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