Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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