So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
