You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
