Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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