OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
