I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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